Kathy's Story

As a nurse in a bustling Emergency Department, Kathy kept her depression hidden for seven years ...

I used to make up excuses for when I was absent.........a viral illness goes a long way! My GP is great and is always willing to supply me with a medical certificate. Often he and I discussed whether to tell my manager or not.....he didn't think it necessary while I had conflicting thoughts on the matter. Ultimately though, I kept my depression hidden.

One time after being hospitalised, I told my manager (who I am sure really was being concerned and not being nosy), I had been hospitalised for dehydration! The first thing that came to mind, and feasible, but we are healthcare professionals so it probably wasn't a great story!

I had this terrible fear, as we all do, that management will treat us differently if they know we have depression. Of course, the treatment would all be negative, and I felt that it would be a case of always having to smile and put on a show so that they couldn't 'attack' me. Them not knowing seemed to be so much easier in the long run....I wouldn't have this sense of being watched (paranoia perhaps) all the time if I kept my secret. The other issue of course is the WHY behind the depression. Would people ask why I had depression? Would they talk about me behind my back? Snigger at me? Tell me to get my act together?

I work in a busy Emergency Department - an environment where my colleagues see LOTS of patients who are labelled 'psych' and MANY of them are abusive, angry, and all matter of other things. The picture my colleagues have of some pyschiatric patients is not a positive one. Would they be able to see that I am not like that? Depression is real and generally people with depression are well behaved. It is not an anger management issue.....would people see there is a difference between what we mostly cope with at work, and what I have? It was scary and I didn't want to labelled or ostracised. My manager knows now because it turns out that a friend of her husband gave him a copy of a book my story is in. She saw my picture in it and read the book.

She told me she'd read it, and that it was all okay. I take that as a very positive thing. She offered an ear should I need it, and I am grateful for that offer. Now, probably one third of my colleagues know I have depression. Amazing how many of them have now come to chat because their mum / dad / brother / sister has depression. Suddenly I'm the 'expert'.